The human mind craves control. We have been born and bred to believe that with control, we can avoid suffering. But what if suffering comes from the false belief of control?
We believe that the decisions we make determine the trajectory of our life but the truth is our decision is just one of the billion factors that will affect the moment that decision is a part of.
A few years ago, I rented an electric vehicle while traveling in California. When I returned it, the battery was at roughly seventy-five percent. I assumed there might be a modest charge for not returning it fully charged. I did not expect the additional eighty-five dollars. I had time before my flight. I had TSA PreCheck. I decided to drive back out, charge the car myself before returning it. It felt efficient. Rational. A small correction.
When I brought the car back the second time, the attendant asked if I needed the shuttle to the airport. I said yes. He told me to wait in the room next to the office. I sat calmly. I checked my phone. I assumed the shuttle would arrive shortly. After twenty minutes, I stepped out and asked the attendant to check on the shuttle.
"The bus just left," he said, confused. "Everyone got on."
"Everyone?" I asked. "You told me to wait inside."
At that moment, something tightened. My chest. My jaw. My narrative. "You made me miss my plane," I said, my voice sharper than I intended. He stared at me. "I made you miss your plane?" "Yes, you did," as I stormed away.
A few minutes later, the contraction softened. I remembered the teachings and reminded myself that the attendant's directions were just one small factor contributing to the moment. I asked myself what other factors might have contributed. And of course, I found many — I had not confirmed the charging policy in advance. I had assumed the cost. I had chosen to leave extra time but not that much extra time. I had been looking at my phone when the shuttle likely arrived. No one else had been in the waiting room — a detail I had noticed but not questioned. Traffic had been unpredictable that day. The timing had been tight to begin with.
The habituated self reacted to the discomfort of the situation. It felt wrong. And if the situation felt wrong, someone had to be blamed. I found the perpetrator in the attendant. Letting go of the indignation meant allowing others to be careless and lax. Worse yet, it could mean I was to blame. To allow injustice without resistance felt like an abandonment of self.
But what if the surrender was not the loss of self — but the reinforcement of it?
In the moment of contraction, my mind needed an antagonist. The discomfort demanded a culprit. I crowned the attendant the cause. But the situation had not been a battle. It had been an unfolding.
The attendant's instruction was one variable among many. My assumptions, my timing, my distraction, traffic, policy — all contributors. I had selected the most visible factor and called it the cause.
The narrative self protects itself by simplifying complexity. The observing self tolerates complexity. It does not seek explanation, it accepts the unfolding. It would not use energy to ruminate, stew, fight with reality — it would gracefully move forward. When I stopped arguing with what had already happened, the need to blame dissolved.
Resistance is reactive. It does not weigh the value of actions against outcomes. Surrender, by contrast, is deliberate. It is the decision to stop arguing with reality and to respond instead of react. In that moment, identity shifts. I was no longer the reflexive voice demanding a different outcome. I was the observing self choosing how to meet this one.
That is not the diminishment of self. It is the strengthening of it.
This piece is part of the Tanisms™ collection — original frameworks for the examined life. Ideas worth sitting with.
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